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>
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> Introducing New Travel Experiences from the T.S.A.
> By Sara K. Runnels </contributors/sara-k-runnels>December 16, 2021
>
> Photograph by Lindsey Wasson / Alamy
> Finally, the T.S.A. has expanded its offerings beyond standard and
Precheck lanes to include very specific alternatives and add-on
experiences to make your travels so much better. Or possibly worse.
>
> T.S.A. RubDown
>
> Travelling can be stressful, but we=99ve half listened to your
complaints and determined exactly what you =9Cknead.=9D When
you choose this low-risk, high-frisk lane, you=99ll forgo the
impersonal metal detectors and head straight for the patdown. Your
designated screener will not only check your body for explosives and
weapons but deftly relieve the tension in your upper back and shoulders
for sixty to ninety seconds.
>
> T.S.A. AmateurHour
>
> First time ever at the airport? Just out of practice? Don=99t
fret about holding up others in security with your insecurities=94ta
ke advantage of our slowest lane yet! Here, you=99re free to cause
any form of subtle chaos. Bring an obscene amount of liquids, put your
driver=99s license away as slowly as humanly possible, wear a full
suit of knight=99s armor, look around curiously and ponder the
meaning of life, ask T.S.A. staff up to two hundred questions=94real
ly, anything goes. We just ask that you please arrive nine hours before
your departure.
>
> T.S.A. Cupid
>
> Single A.F. (=9Cand flying=9D)? Looking to experience that
very specific kind of airport sexual tension? In this lane, you=99ll
meet other singles hoping for a connection that may or may not give a
new meaning to =9Clayover.=9D You=99ll take note of
solo flyers who deserve an =9Cadditional screening,=9D staff
will help facilitate introductions, and matches will be given priority
seating at the Chili=99s Too.
>
> T.S.A. MeltDown
>
> If you=99re responsible for some of the world=99s tiniest
terrorists (children), you deserve to treat yourself to an experience
that feels like the opposite of collapsing a stroller. We=99ve
created a private, soundproof tunnel where parents can feel a sense of
community with other procreators, away from the glares and stares of
those witnessing your child=99s epic tantrum after being told that
he can=99t ride through the baggage X-ray machine.
>
> T.S.A. QueueAnon
>
> If you did your own research about venturing through airport security,
don=99t think any rules apply to you, and have previously teetered
on the brink of being added to the no-fly list, this lane is for you!
(Those who choose this route will be pre=C3=ABmptively duct-taped to
their seat upon boarding.)
>
> T.S.A. Museum
>
> Culture aficionado with time to spare? Then don=99t miss this
option, described as =9Ceducational,=9D =9Cinsightful,
=9D and =9CGoddammit, Susan, why did you add this shit to our
ticket?=9D You=99ll be shown an exclusive collection of
items confiscated by the T.S.A.=94from stuffed animals full of
drugs to real animals full of drugs, and more!
>
> T.S.A. Thrift
>
> Don=99t pay extra for the ability to keep your shoes, jacket,
and belt on=94try the line that lets you take those things off and
encourages you to select someone else=99s accessories that you
like better.
>
> T.S.A. Sport
>
> If you can=99t sit for hours on a plane without first doing ten
thousand steps, you can now continue to pursue your fitness goals while
you wait, led by our strongest, rudest, and most intense security
experts. Be prepared for an express boot camp (you=99ll need to
remove your boots) that includes stanchion hurdles, luggage lifts,
=9Cair-obics=9D and more. You=99re forbidden from
producing more than 3.4 ounces of sweat.
>
> T.S.A. Postcheck
>
> We learn a lot about you through our security measures, but, once
you=99ve made it to your gate, you become a distant memory. Now,
as an add-on to Precheck, we will continue to keep tabs on you=94in
the way a sweet, caring friend would! We=99ll follow up with
little texts, like =9CGood trip, babe?=9D or =9CBuy
any huge lithium batteries while you were away?=9D You know, cute
stuff.
>
> More Humor
>
> Dating is so hard when you are an insufferable person with a bland
personality
<https://www.newyorker.com/humor/daily-shouts/ugh-dating-is-so-hard-these-
days-when-youre-an-insufferable-person-with-a-bland-personality?itm_conten
t=footer-recirc>.
> I finally listened to my body, and this is what it had to say
<https://www.newyorker.com/humor/daily-shouts/i-finally-learned-to-listen-
to-my-body-and-this-is-what-it-had-to-say?itm_content=footer-recirc>.
> May I steal your dog
<https://www.newyorker.com/humor/daily-shouts/may-i-steal-your-dog?itm_con
tent=footer-recirc>?
> I will have kids in a few years, when I am successful and wealthy and
my life is finally perfect
<https://www.newyorker.com/humor/daily-shouts/ill-have-kids-in-a-few-years
-when-im-successful-and-wealthy-and-my-life-is-finally-perfect?itm_content
=footer-recirc>.
> Compliments I have received in my thirties, translated
<https://www.newyorker.com/humor/daily-shouts/compliments-ive-received-in-
my-thirties-translated?itm_content=footer-recirc>.
> How to experience New York like a true local
<https://www.newyorker.com/humor/daily-shouts/how-to-experience-new-york-c
ity-like-a-true-local?itm_content=footer-recirc>.
> Get more humor in your in-box. Sign up for the newsletter
<https://www.newyorker.com/newsletter/humor?itm_content=footer-recirc>.
>
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